


Was It A Dream

by charmed_seconds (orphan_account), orphan_account



Series: 30 Seconds to Mars Drabbles [123]
Category: 30 Seconds to Mars
Genre: Drama, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Sibling Incest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-27
Updated: 2012-10-27
Packaged: 2017-11-17 03:10:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/547002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/charmed_seconds, https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jared has a question to answer.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Was It A Dream?

Jared sighed as he eased the door shut with his foot, his hands already working on the red tie that was around his neck. After tossing the thin strip of fabric somewhere in his living room, the tired man shrugged off the suit jacket and started to unbutton the white dress shirt as he trudged up the stairs. Tomo’s wedding was beautiful. The two were meant to be, Jared could see that, hell,  _anyone_ could see it.

                It was the reception that gave Jared a sick taste in his mouth. His brother – admittedly slightly drunk – was in the corner of the ballroom sucking face with a different woman at every glance.

                And it hurt.

                So many years later, and it still fucking hurt.

                Sinking down on to the bed, Jared ran a hand through his brown hair, disgusted at both how he felt and how he was reacting.

                He was the one that broke it off, so why was he feeling as if someone pulled his heart out and stomped on it? Sniffling, Jared leaned back, his legs still awkwardly bent over the side; his hand rubbing his stinging eyes.

                Shannon was against it, and he had every right to be. It was disgusting. It was wrong. It was immoral. It was every negative word that Jared could think of, but one can’t fight what they feel. He couldn’t help that the…feelings…sparked and wouldn’t extinguished, as much as it was to Jared’s dismay.

                Jared, his own heart guarded even at the young age of 15, left it alone but one night, both have consumed too much beer, smoked a little too much, woke up the next morning – nude and entangled. One glance and they knew. Awkwardness inevitably followed. Until, Jared – who wasn’t known for his patience – cornered his brother, thoroughly kissed him, and told Shannon to him a try. It worked.

                For three years.

                Until, Jared graduated and announced he was going to college, and like most teenagers, Jared wanted to leave all ties in Louisiana and not take it with him. One of those ties was Shannon. It was easy, calm and thought out break-up. They had one last date on the eve of Jared’s departure. Then, both brothers swept the relationship under the carpet and forgot about it.

                Or at least, that’s what Jared thought.

                Reunited in Los Angeles, Jared wanted to look at his brother and feel family. But when he saw his brother, grinning, a duffle bag thrown over his back and his other arm around a random blond’s shoulders, Jared’s heart leapt to his throat and he felt as if his world was crashing down. Apparently Shannon had no problem forgetting the relationship.

                Acting gave Jared a solace. He could lose himself and forget about the myriad of women Shannon flirted with and the ones he brought back home. He forgot about the dreams he had, and that pain in his heart.

                Cameron. Beautiful. Tall. Graceful. Loving. And the perfect thing Jared needed to feel normal. He was a man in love, with a woman who wasn’t at all related to him, and could see the whole white gown, church bells, and vows till death in his near future. Her kisses were great, her touches were ecstasy, and her love was never ending. Although, Jared had to admit that something was missing. No matter how many times they made love, or kissed, curled up with each other, or went on dates, Jared found himself wishing Cameron was a brunette, hazel-eyed, man with a familiar face and broad arms that made him feel safe.

                30 Seconds to Mars. A curse and a blessing. It was wonderful. Jared loved it. But, his brother, always there, beside him, touching him, talking to him, it was torture. No matter that he was engaged, Jared knew what his heart wanted, but he also knew that he couldn’t grant it the wish.  Luckily, with a band, there was always seemingly more work to be done and Jared couldn’t help but jump at the chance to pile more onto his plate.

                Days turned to weeks. Weeks turned to months. And Jared came home to find Cameron in the arms of another. Heart shattered once again, Jared turned his back and left.

                Apparently, he wasn’t supposed to love.

                Or be loved.

                His heart once again under lock and key, Jared focused on acting and 30 Seconds to Mars. Nothing more. Nothing less. Flings came up, more for the media that for actual truth. Truth was, Jared Leto was a lonely man and knew he was going to die as one.

                Years passed. Soon, Jared welcomed his 39th birthday, and Shannon officially became ‘Over-The-Hill’, and their best friend was doing the very thing Jared saw himself doing years ago: getting married. Standing beside his brother as Best Man, Jared watched the romantic, touching scene with awe, love and angst. Meanwhile, Shannon seemed fine.

                Hours later, Jared found himself where he was now: sitting on his bed in a pair of suit pants, his shirt unbuttoned, and a single photograph in his hand. A simple polaroid with two adolescent boys, the slightly younger one leaning into the warmth of the older one, their eyes looking into the camera with happiness and love. Mere memories of once-upon-a-time.

                Sniffing, Jared closed his eyes, a few tears slipping past his defenses. Why was he still holding onto a romance that was never going to reignite? Running a hand over his face, Jared gulped. His heart was beating rapidly and he could feel with each pulse, another inch broke. Three years of his life. The  _best_ three years of his life all in one picture, one that should’ve been burned a long time ago with the others. It was the only evidence that Jared had to tell himself that the feelings were at one point mutual and that it wasn’t all a dream.

                But, now it was seemingly a dream to have it come back.

                And as much as Jared believed that hard work would make dreams reality, he knew that this was one dream that only allowed to be real for a brief time, and he was the one that made it crash back to make-believe land.

                And he just…

                Couldn’t live with it anymore.

                Standing, Jared looked at the photo before crumpling it and tossing it back to the bed. He walked straight to the bathroom, grabbing a single orange bottle, opened it and toss the contents into his mouth. He turned and marched back to his bed, taking a folded letter from the drawer beside his bed, and laid down, and simply, closed his eyes.

                Perhaps in eternal slumber can his dream become a reality. 


	2. L490

 He clapped his hands as Jared gave one last cheer to the bride and groom, the champagne glasses high in the air as the two newlyweds kissed each other. He smiled softly at his best friend’s happiness. Tomo and Vicki belong together; Shannon knew that from the day he saw them together. They just…fit he guessed.

                Turning slightly, Shannon glanced at his younger brother. He let out a deep breath when he caught Jared in the midst of a group of friends, laughing freely and having a good time. Leaning back, Shannon lightly banged his head on the wall behind him, his eyes clenching shut. Blasphemy. That is what that feeling is called. Pure. Fucking. Blasphemy. He knew he was going to go to Hell for this, but when he looked back up and saw his brother, smiling and joking, he couldn’t help but not care.

                Turning back to the smirking blond in front of him, Shannon mustered up what he could and plunged back, attempting to erase all incestuous feelings from his gut, groin and soul, but the thought that the woman’s lips didn’t even come close to Jared’s, he knew that was going to be impossible.

                Three glorious, short, years of bliss. They were young. They were stupid. But Shannon wasn’t going to lie and say it wasn’t beautiful. Their love, while naive and passionate, was something that Shannon could never forget. And their taboo world made everything more…tasteful. To know that one kiss, that one grope, that one passionate night could be your last made everything exciting. The rush in the morning to make sure each of them were in their own beds and to hide all evidence of their relationship made Shannon want to pounce on him all over again.

                But then, Jared got his diploma, one last beautiful date, and then heart-break. Shannon tried to put on a brave face, ignore his breaking heart and hold back the tears that desperately wanted to fall. Soon, woman after woman graced his bed, touched his lips but didn’t even come close to fixing his heart. Every part of him screamed for Jared, but the younger man made it clear, no ties back home.

                And even though the asshole ripped his heart out, stomped on it, ran it over with the car, and didn’t even give Shannon the pieces to fix it, when Jared called about meeting with him in Los Angeles to work on their childhood dream of being a band together, Shannon hung up and packed immediately.  He didn’t know why he picked up that thin, beautiful blond on the way or why he brought her to his new home, in front of his brother, and proceeded to break in his new room the most apathetic way he knew. Perhaps he did it to show to Jared, that just because he was living together doesn’t mean they could pick up the remnants of their relationship and start over again.  Or maybe it was to continue the façade that Shannon wasn’t dying on the inside.

                Either way, he did it.

                And regrets doing so.

                The next thing he knew, his brother was engaged and an actor. 30 Seconds to Mars was starting up, their first album just a breath away from finish. Life was perfect. Somewhat. It would only be perfect if Jared didn’t have Cameron cuddling up with him on the couch, but the younger man cuddled into himself. But, Jared was committed to Cameron and was happy, while Shannon was committed to a life of loneliness.

                Then, Cameron is found cheating and his brother is forever changed. Cold. Calloused. Unforgiving to love and Shannon can’t help but ache for his brother. He wanted to show his baby brother that love is out there and just because one person breaks your heart doesn’t mean you can’t go on living, but just as he was about it, he realized he would be being a hypocrite to the very man that made him this way.

                Soon, they were on the EMA carpet, getting awards and had three albums under their belt. Shannon didn’t even realize so much time has gone pass until Tomo wished him a happy 40th, and he was getting a cake on stage via a smiling Jared. How did so much time pass? And how come his heart still hurts when he looks at his brother?

                Months later, Shannon found himself standing beside his brother on an alter as Vicki walked down the aisle in white. As he heard the priest give the loving couple their vows, Shannon couldn’t help to look at Jared. Dressed in a slim-cut suit, Jared was as beautiful as he was when he was 15. The announcement of husband and wife broke Shannon’s thoughts, and he was quickly taken to the reception where he found the only thing to ease his brain – needy women.

                As soon as they got to her hotel room, Shannon backed off. He didn’t want breasts or a vagina; he wanted pecs and a penis. He didn’t want to hear a woman’s screams but a man’s deep throated moans as he clamored for more. And he didn’t want to fuck a stranger, he wanted to make love to his brother and he didn’t give a damn who thought it was wrong, or it was nasty, immoral, or whatever other word they wanted to tagged on to it.

                It felt right to him.

                And at one point, it felt right to Jared.

                And that was all.

                That.

                Mattered.

                Turning his back on the woman, Shannon marched out, climbing in the car and sped back home. This dance was going on for too long, and Shannon was sick and tired of no one taking the lead. It was time to be the older man and get the ball rolling.

                He pulled into the driveway and hopped out. He jogged in and called out his brother’s name. Pausing in the foyer, he glanced around. Dread filled him. Gulping, Shannon yelled Jared’s name once more before sprinting up the stairs. He opened his brother’s bedroom door and faltered. He screamed wordlessly, tears already falling down his face. Stumbling to his brother’s bedside, he took the cooling hand in his own and called 9-1-1 and pleaded for them to save his baby brother.

                Laying his head on Jared’s chest, Shannon cried. The soft sound of a crumpled paper made him sit back up and examine his brother’s body. Running a hand over his brother’s smooth cheek, down the neck, and then his chest, he found a folded piece of paper. Opening it, Shannon’s lips curled when he saw his brother’s handwriting. Tucking it in his suit pocket for later, Shannon looked at his brother’s face as the sound of sirens could be heard in the background.

                Sniffling, he leaned forward and pecked the stilled lips.

                “Don’t make this a Romeo and Juliet story Jay,” he whispered, “Come back to me.”


	3. Valhalla

 Was he naive?

                Did he think that after this…mess was done that everything would be roses and rainbows? Who the fuck was he kidding?

                Everything went back to ‘normal’. Jared went into psychiatric help, was gone for three stressful months, then he came back, gave Shannon a hug and it was back to business. Jared’s suicide attempt was swept under the rug and every time Shannon talked to his brother, it was as if there was giant…

                Pink…

                Purple Polka-dotted…

                Elephant in the room.

                And it pissed him off.

                He wanted to do nothing more than to take his brother by his shoulders and demand the answer that he’s been begging to know.

                Why?

                Why did he do it?

                Why did Jared believe that death was better than life?

                All he had to do is wait.

                Tomo would leave soon to spend a night out with Vicki and so Jared and he can relax for once. Minutes were like hours. He was going to get that answer tonight.

                Hours later, Tomo said his farewells and departed and Shannon pounced. Cornering his brother in his living room, Shannon looked at Jared. “Why?”

                “You don’t need to know,” Jared hissed back, “Stop asking me every goddamn week.”

                “I’m your brother,” Shannon stressed, “If anyone has a right to know, it should be me.”

                “The only person that knows is me and that’s enough Shannon!” shouted Jared.

                “I don’t get to know why my brother tried to commit suicide,” Shannon inquired, “I don’t get to know why my brother, my best friend, decided that he wanted to say “Fuck you” to his life?”

                Jared leaned in, the tip of his nose touching Shannon’s, “No “

                Shannon growled and turned, “Damn it Jared!”

                Jared rolled his eyes, “I denied your request, can I go to sleep now?”

                Shannon looked at his brother, “I stayed at your bedside for those three fucking days. I was the one that sent you fucking letters in treatment! I was the one that didn’t fucking alienate you because you tried to off yourself! Goddamn it Jared. I’ve sacrificed so fucking much and I can’t get a fucking answer that I rightly deserve?!?”

                “Sacrificed? You’ve sacrificed?” Jared let out a mirthless chuckle, “I was the one that tried to kill myself, I think it’s obvious I’ve lost more.”

                “No, you’re just too much of a fucking coward to face it,”

                Jared backpedaled. Shannon let out a sigh and ran a hand through his short brown hair, “Jay. Please. What went wrong? What did… _I.._ do wrong? What happened?”

                Jared sank and sat on the couch arm, “Nothing. No one did anything wrong.”

                Kneeling in front of his brother, Shannon placed his hand on Jared’s knees, “Then what happened? No one goes off the deep end for no reason. Was it the band? Was the stress too much?”

                “Shan, no. It wasn’t anything like that.”

                “Then what was it?” Shannon asked, his eyes desperately looking at his baby brother.

                Jared sniffled and looked up, “It was…just…thoughts.”

                “Thoughts?” Shannon let out a choked cough, “That’s what almost killed you?”

                Jared nodded, “It was just…”

                “Just what?”

                Shannon watched as Jared shook his head and pushed his palms into his eyes. “Jay, please.”

                “I’m fucked up.”

                “Fucked up? Why?”

                “Because I am! I’m having…having these thoughts! And they won’t go away!”

                “What thoughts are you talking about Jay?”

                Jared forcedly shook his head, his chin-length brown hair whipping around before he pushed himself off of the couch arm and paced. Shannon sighed, “Jared…”

                “No.”

                “Jay…”

                “I said no, goddamn it.” Spat Jared, “I’m going to bed.”

                Reaching out, Shannon nabbed his brother’s wrist, “Goddamn it Jared, stop being stubborn for once and tell me what the fuck is wrong with you so I can fix it!” 

                “How can you fix it when you’re the fucking problem!’ Jared shouted, “You’re my fucking problem Shannon!”

                “You…wh…”

                “Goddamn it Shannon, the women, the fucking, it was so damn annoying! You enjoyed rubbing it in my face didn’t you!” Jared growled, “Didn’t you!”

                Shannon shook his head.

                “Bullshit! You fucking did. I made one fucking mistake and you just…”

                “Shut up!” Shannon yelled, “Shut up! Goddamn it Jared, it was the only fucking way to keep you out of my mind! If anyone should be pissed, it should be me. You left me! Not the other way around.”

                Jared sobered, “And I was wrong for doing so.”

                Shannon pulled his brother close, “I never slept with those women with the intent of hurting you.”

                Jared leaned back and looked at Shannon, his eyes searching. Shannon let out a small breath, his hand sliding up from Jared’s wrist to his cheek, “I’m sorry,” Shannon whispered, “For any unintentional harm I’ve done to you.”

                He couldn’t help but freeze when he felt his brother’s lips upon his for the first time in years. But seconds was all it took for his body to respond. His other hand mirrored the right as he took control. He nipped at Jared’s bottom lip, rejoicing when he was giving permission. Tongue intertwined. Moans escaped.

                “Shan, we-“

                “Don’t you fucking dare say can’t.” Shannon growled.

                “We’re not children Shan,” Jared said softly, his hands still resting on Shannon’s neck, “We…”

                Shannon swept Jared into another kiss, “We can.”          

                Jared shook his head, “No, no, no.”

                “No need to quote lyrics now,” Shannon weakly joked.

                Jared sent him a small glare, “Shannon, we’re famous now. Under scrutiny. Tomo, god how the fuck would Tomo react to us sleeping together? We’re fucking brothers Shannon.”

                “And we were brothers when we were younger Jared,” Shannon stated calmly, “Twenty-four hours.” He announced as he took a step back, “Give me your answer then. I’ll be staying at the motel across town.”

                “Shan-“

                “Twenty-four hours.”

                Jared watched mutely as Shannon walked out, his breathing rapid and a shaking hand touching his lips. Without realizing it, Jared sank to his knees and cried.


	4. End of the Beginning

24 hours.

                                So much time but yet Jared felt as if it was whizzing by. He paced. He ranted, both mentally and literally. He cried. He laughed. He went through so many emotions that he just wanted to curl up and sleep, but he couldn’t. His mind was going at a hundred million miles an hour and he wanted to turn it off so badly. But how could he? With this one decision he could change…

                Everything.

                His relationship with his brother.

                His relationship with the band.

                His brother’s life.

                His life.

                All boiled down to this one decision.

                …No pressure.

                Soon, the sun was reappearing and the last hours were ticking by. He found himself on the couch, his legs pulled close; his chin resting on his knees as he stared blankly into the fire. His phone was lying beside him on the arm of the couch – just…waiting.

                Groaning, Jared burrowed his head into his kneecaps. Why does his brain and heart have to be in a battle? Why couldn’t they just coincide for once?

                His brain was screaming at him, telling him no, that this was wrong, illegal and sick. It seemed to foresee a world where the secret came out and he and his brother was forever alienated. The sick family that fucked each other. But yet…

                His heart.

                His heart sang for him to say no. It missed the warmth of Shannon’s arms. His breath upon the nape of his back as he slept, his brother’s body curled around his own. The soft kisses that made his legs shake, and the passion that rivaled every other lover he had. The moments of peace that he thrived in and the moments of excitement that made him feel as if he was on top of the world.

                Glancing up, he saw the pink and purple hues of the sunset. His time was almost up. Reaching for the phone, he wordlessly pressed 2 and hit call, the dull rings echoing in his ears. “Made your mind up?”

                “Come home. Please.”

                “Did you?”

                “Just…come home and you’ll find out.”

                “…I’ll be there in fifteen.”

                Jared let out a deep breath as he hung up, his eyes sliding shut. He felt…drained. Depleted.

                Leaning down, Jared he knew curled up. Soon, it will be all over and he knew where he stood with his brother. ..Soon.

(*)

                Shannon shut the door behind him, the sound reverberating throughout the house. He shrugged off his leather jacket and tossed it onto the trio of hooks on the other wall.

                So this was it.

                Cracking his neck, Shannon walked into the living room and froze. A soft chuckle came from his lips as he tipped-toed his way to the couch and kneeled. Shannon ran a hand through his brother’s shaggy hair, “Jay?”

                Jared mumbled something and turned around, the man still deep within the world of sleep. Sighing, Shannon shook Jared’s shoulder roughly before flicking his younger’s brother ear. “Ow! What the fuck was that for?”

                “You were sleeping,” Shannon reasoned with a shrug.

                Jared sighed and pushed himself up, “Sorry. Was up all night.”

                Shannon frowned, “So was I. Now? Answer?”

                “Don’t beat around the bush,” mumbled Jared.

                “No point in doing so,” Shannon whispered, “What’s your answer Jared,”

                Jared glanced at his brother, the man still kneeling in front of him; his calloused hands resting on Jared’s knees, “No.”

                Shannon’s brows furrowed, “No?”

                Jared shook his head, “We…can’t Shan.”

                “Give me three reasons.”

                “What?”

                “Give me. Three reasons.”

                “We’re brothers,” Jared listed off, “We’re fucking famous and…”

                “And?”

                “And…its wrong?”

                “When have you ever listened to what was wrong? It was wrong for an actor to drift between movies and music but you told them to fuck off.”

                “That is different from a love affair with your kin Shannon!” Jared shouted, standing abruptly, “Goddamn it Shannon, if we get caught, we could go to fucking jail. We would be alienated for life. The two brothers that fucked each other, I can just see the headlines now. What would Mom say? What would Tomes say?”

                “Why does it matter?” Shannon asked softly.

                “Because that’s life Shannon,” Jared muttered, “You need to think of the consequences of your actions.”

                “Fuck all of them,” Shannon stated, “Fuck the press. Fuck Tomo and Mom. Focus on us.”

                “Shan-“

                “No. Focus on us. Just me and you. What would your answer be then?”

                “Shannon, that’s not the world we live in.”

                “I don’t care. Answer my question.”

                Jared glanced away, “If it was just me and you, and no outside factors…” Jared sighed, “My answer would be yes, but we have outside factors Shannon.”

                Shannon smirked and walked up his brother. Gently, he cupped Jared’s face, “Not within the walls of our home,” he murmured before pecking Jared’s lips, “We can make our own world, with no outside factors, all it takes is work.”

                “What if it doesn’t work Shannon,” Jared inquired, “Then what? We go back to this? Longing? Jealously? Awkwardness?”

                “Don’t damn our future with thoughts of failure,” Shannon responded, “You always want to live in the moment, well, here is your chance.”

                Jared shook his head, “We can’t! It doesn’t fucking work that way Shannon! No matter how much we want to! Look at reality!”

                “Reality is fucked up!” Shannon shouted, “Fuck reality. Hell, fuck fantasy while we’re at it. Right now, I’m focused on you. I’m focused on us.”

                Jared let out a deep breath, “Shannon. I…” he trailed off, “I just…don’t know.”

                Shannon chuckled weakly, “That’s the funny thing about love Jay, you’ll never fucking understand it. And you’re not supposed to. You’re supposed to feel it.”

                “Corny,” mumbled Jared.

                Shannon laughed, “Maybe. But right. Now, want to try that answer again?”

                Jared looked at his brother, swallowing as he thought. Hesitantly, he took a step forward and looked into Shannon’s hazel eyes. So much like own but yet different. They could be like honey on one day, then soft bronze the next; and they were searching. Searching for an answer that Jared desperately wanted to give.

                Leaning down slightly, Jared calmly pressed his lips against Shannon’s. Shannon smiled and quickly cupped Jared’s smooth face. Leaning back, Shannon closed his eyes, “This won’t end up like the last time Jay, I won’t allow it.”

                Jared shook his head, “It won’t. God, no. Just promise me, if this goes up in the air, you won’t leave, and please, no more women. I can’t deal with another cheater.”

                Shannon smiled sadly and softly kissed his lips. No tongue, merely lips conveying years of unreleased love languidly. “I couldn’t dream of lying with another right now.” Shannon said softly, “And I never will as long as I have you by me.”

                Jared snorted, “We sound like two high school girls from poetry class.”

                Shannon smirked, “You’re just jealous I know big words like you do.”

                “Uh, Shan, you didn’t really say any ‘big words’.”

                “Not even five minutes into our relationship and you’re already insulting me,” Shannon mockingly huffed, “Maybe you should sleep on the couch.”

                “Like you would make me,”

                Shannon laughed and cupped his brother’s face once more, “Like I said Baby, you’re never leaving my side again.” He vowed before lowering his lips and sealing the promise with a kiss. 


End file.
